I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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