I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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