I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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