Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
