whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
