Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
