apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
