i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
