I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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