...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
