just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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