1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
