I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He did a backflip because drugs
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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