if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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