OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
