I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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