yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
