I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
