There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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