Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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