the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
