best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
