Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She needs sedatives and a leash
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
