my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
