dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
