i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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