Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
