I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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