I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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