I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
