I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
