Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
