btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
