I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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