Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
