How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
