Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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