Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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