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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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