I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
