Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
