I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
