break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
