he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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