I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
