when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
