the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
