I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
