if i can run in heels then i can drive
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
