but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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