where am i from again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Randomize
